As Small as a Mustard Seed

I've been putting the writing of this update off because my heart has been pulled in so many different directions I didn't know how to even begin putting it into words.  It's recently become clear how important each of those emotions, along with the experiences that prompted them are.  Every minuet of happiness, and joy; each second of heart wrenching pain, devastation, and loss, all act as little stones building upon one another to create God's path for David and I.  Not one more important than the other, some less desirable than others, but all playing a key role.

Recently we responded to a recruitment email about a precious little baby along with 18 other families.  We thought our chances of getting chosen out of that many families was slim, but sure enough, we were the expectant mom's first choice.  David and I were ecstatic to say the least.  We spent the next 24 hours thinking about our baby girl... what she would look like, how we would doll up the nursery adding pink to the gender neutral decor (okay that was me, not David).  We were so excited, terrified, and overwhelmed at what exactly we would do with this precious little girl once we actually brought her home and began a new chapter as parents! Real, responsible for another little human being, parents!

And then just as suddenly we got a call that the expectant mother had changed her mind about us, she wanted to go with another couple.  Stunned, and having an out of body experience, I have no idea how the rest of that conversation went.  I dropped to my knees in tears, not wanting to tell David that we just lost our baby girl.  After all, she was ours, we were picked, we were scheduled to meet the expectant mom and everything just seemed so perfect.  But she wasn't and isn't ours.  Anger followed the loss and sadness as we tried to figure out and understand what on Earth had just happened!

A dear friend of mine had sent a devotional a few days before about the story of the mustard seed from Matthew 17:20..."If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, move from here to there."  I could just feel God picking me up and holding my hand.  I remembered a prayer I said after finding out that 18 families responded to adopt this child.  I asked God to open the door if this was the child He had planned for us and to close that door if it wasn't.  Well He answered by doing both, and in a very short period of time.  That's all we needed, just a little bit of faith, that this was part of God's path for us.  Dave and I woke up the next morning with an unbelievable sense of peace.

Over the last few years, God has been slowly breaking us down so He could build us back up into the children He wants us to be.  We couldn't start down the path He had planned for us until we went through some serious changes.  Changes in the way we think our family will look, changes in what we value as important, and changes in our relationship with Him.  And maybe because I'm extra stubborn, a few extra painful "stones" were necessary to make me see the bigger picture.  As David said so perfectly the other day, our family is going to be unique, it's not going to look like what we originally thought. But that's the best part, it is going to look like God's design, and that is more beautiful than anything we could ever hope for!

Hopeful

"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

When all is well I find this easy to do. When things become a little, or a lot rocky, doing this becomes more essential, for me at least. Dave sent this to me this morning, which helped provide a little clarity in how to write this post. I've been meaning to write, but found it impossible to start. Most of you know that I just write how I talk, from my heart and thoughts, including typos and grammatical catastrophes. My mind has been so jumbled with emotions over the past month or so that a complete sentence seemed to much to ask for. I guess the secret is out...I do put some thought into what I write, as I care about the people who actually read this.

So how to explain the emotional roller coaster of our most recent journey twist and turns? We have been through a few different scenarios, all very different, but all leading to the possibility of having a baby to call our own. One came out of the blue from a friend of a friend, which seemed an ideal situation. Another from our first recruitment email that we felt moved to respond to. And the most recent from a young birth mom who chose us.  None of the situations worked out, for various different reasons and Dave and I are at peace with that. We trust God and His plan for us, and it just wasn't our time.

Although we accept that, it isn't without a little struggle and heartbreak.  One of the situations, the baby was already born, healthy and waiting at the hospital.  To think that right in this very moment we could have our little baby, in our home and in our arms is astounding (and a little scary).  I am so glad that I have an amazing husband in moments like this.  When I say that Dave really helped me to view this as hopeful rather than a loss, is a massive understatement! But he's right, we didn't lose a baby or an opportunity.  We gained hope that there will be a baby in our future, they are out there.  And our vulnerability has strengthened our Faith and dependence on God... which is kind of the point I guess...

James 1:2-4 
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

It's funny, I never really relied on scripture before, and now it's our life line!  Sometimes I come across these scriptures in my daily devotional reading, sometimes friends and family send them, or other times I hear them on the radio or in a sermon.  They always seem to say just the right thing at just the right time.  So we are hanging in there, still waiting.  Learning that we are waiting not just on our baby, but the right situation too.  For us, for baby, and for birth mom/family;  It really isn't about just us.

Thankful...

Tis the season to be thankful; which seems to be a "right on time" reminder for me!  This morning Dave and I listened to a sermon on TV that was recorded last Sunday.  As I've stated so many times before, there is no such thing as coincidences, and watching that sermon in that very moment was certainly a much needed moment.  It was about being thankful, not so much for the things that we have, but for the things that cannot be seen.
The scripture used was 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18... "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."
How often I forget that life, all of it's ups and downs, are but a blink of an eye.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about and day dream of our little baby.  I wish I could say that all of those thoughts are patient, happy ones.  Truth be told, it's more of a mixed bag of emotions, including worry, confusion, sadness, and loss.  It is pretty easy to get caught up in some of those emotions, and I'm glad ones of excitement, curiosity, and pure joy are mixed in there to balance that little brain of mine out!
Infertility, all its emotional issues, and dealing with innocent, but sometimes harsh comments made, along with the waiting process can certainly feel like a heavy trouble weighing us down.  But it truly is small and temporary!
From speaking with so many other couples, and women, going through such similar circumstances I've really learned how valuable having faith is.  How important it is to be thankful for all the support, blessings, and love we are surrounded with.  But also to be thankful for the pain of infertility, and the waiting process!  God is changing who I am, making me a much better person, and as I write with tears in my eyes I am truly grateful for that.  I can honestly say that I look at life in a totally different way; one of gratitude and appreciation.  Not for all the "things" we fortunately have, but for the ones that can't be seen!  Though it's a daily battle, and not the route I would voluntarily choose, I am glad that it is our journey.  I just love the saying that life can only be lived forward but understood backwards, and can't wait to be looking backwards through all of this and praising God for every troubling emotion I wrestled with! But we are not quite there yet, and each step leading up to that point has been one supported with multitudes of friends and family members.
I've been writing thank you notes lately and I often feel like I am repeating myself.  I hope that I never sound insincere, because both Dave and I really mean every word of thanks.  Recently, our parents hosted a baby shower for us, and our friends surprised us with a dinner shower the other weekend.  Stocking the nursery with all the essentials, I get so much joy from organizing all the teeny tiny socks in the drawers and finding a place for toys that our little baby will use.  Each one of those gifts represents so much more than its actual use.  To receive a gift for a seemingly "imaginary" baby, one not carried in my own womb. One who's entrance into this world and our lives, contains so many unknowns.  That gift represents a very real hope for us! It is an incredible gift because it comes from a heart full of excitement, love, prayer, and support... and that is something we cannot be more thankful for!

Our baby shower hosted by our parents

With girlfriends at the surprise dinner shower...if you look closely at the mirror you will find the boys watching football in the background :)

76 Days and counting

When it seems like forever, it's good to sit down, do the math, and rest assured that "forever" might be a strong word.  233 days ago we decided to take this adoption journey and turned in our preliminary application. 181 days ago we submitted our formal application with Bethany.  Our home study approval (and my Babies R Us anxiety attack) was only 10 weeks and a couple of days ago.  I don't know why, but that helps me put things in perspective a little bit. We have accomplished so much in that time.  The nursery is finished, minus a couple of details. We have chosen and met with our lawyer a couple of times and even written up a living will. I kind of went a little crazy on completing our registries, turns out you can get free stuff when you register at certain places. We have a pretty good idea of what we will and won't need. In a couple of weeks we will have reached our savings goal to pay the placement fee and lawyer, complete praise to the Lord!  Names for a boy or girl have been chosen ( i do however wish that they started with the same initial so we could monogram some things- must be the southern girl in me).  We are working on a pediatrician and planning to schedule some office meetings next week. Oh, and Our family profile has even been uploaded to Bethany's web page.

The nursery... 

 

So it seems we have almost all our ducks in a row... Which sounds great on paper but can do a number on us  emotionally (and by us I mean mostly me; Dave has proven himself patient and casually cool once again). When we had so much to do to "prepare" for the baby, I was distracted just enough to keep me from concentrating on the waiting timeline. But now that we are as prepared as much as possible ( I mean are new parents ever really prepared??) I can't help but watch the clock!  It can be challenging to remember that God has a specific and purposefully planned child chosen just for us and will deliver that sweet baby in our arms in His perfect timing, not mine!  Why is it that I feel like God needs my help, I mean He did create the universe and everything in it, I think he can handle this too!  Moments when the waiting can seem unbearable, I am so thankful for Dave's level head and other mommies in waiting. We've been so fortunate to have been connected with other couples going through this same journey. I've been able to pour my heart out and vent all of my frustrations to women who can say, " you're not alone, I've felt the exact same way." I don't take those women for granted and am so blessed to have them in my life! Each minuet that passes I find myself wondering about our baby and know that when we do finally get to meet him or her, it will be well worth the wait!

We're Approved!

I've been waiting to write a post until our home study was approved, and thought that wait might take a bit longer... but out of the blue yesterday our social worker called and told us that it was not only complete, but approved as well!  For some reason,  I had it in my head that she had to finish writing it, we had to sign it, and then it had to be sent off to government land to be approved.  It all happened simultaneously however, which suites me just fine!  I had envisioned it sitting on the desk of some overworked, underpaid government employee in a building similar to the one seen on the TV show Parks and Recreation, waiting forever to be signed by a "Ron Swanson."  Maybe I watch to much TV, because thankfully this wasn't the case!

So now we are officially on the waiting list and could be potentially chosen by a birth mom any day now.  After the initial excitement, then came the anxiety and reality that we still aren't ready for a newborn.  Emotionally, we've been ready, but physically???  Well lets just say that my art studio (located directly by the nursery) is still a "death trap" for any crawling little person, the nursery is missing all the cozy bedding and essential gear, and we don't have any of the safety must-haves like, I don't know, a car seat!!!  I had a miniature panic attack in Babies R Us yesterday.  I was there getting some things for a work project and had just gotten the email & message from Bethany about the approval.  I think that might have been the worst place to take all of that in, because if you've ever been there, it's the biggest craziest baby emporium on the planet.  I was very tempted to hand the sales lady at the counter my visa and tell her "I guess I'll take one of everything?"  I mean, where on earth do we start.  There must be 20 different types of bottle's alone, and I have no idea what the difference is between the million types of strollers, car seats, formulas, boppys, do- dads, and thing-a-ma-jigs available!  I started to feel like I was in a Dr. Seuss novel, so I had to get out of there quick.

Once safely at home, and more importantly after speaking with Dave, I began to be comforted with the fact that just because we've been approved, doesn't mean we will get our baby tomorrow.  We still have time to stock our nursery, closets, and cabinets with everything we need (how much time, I don't know).  Thankfully we have tons of friends with babies of all ages, so we'll be calling on them to tell us what we can't live without!

We do however have our family book finished, ordered, and shipped to the Bethany offices.  That took much longer than probably necessary but I obsessed over the "creative" design aspects.  Sometimes being a creative thinker can be painfully annoying!  But it's done, and we're approved... so now we wait (some more).  We have to keep reminding ourselves that God is in control, and we will meet our baby in His perfect timing!  I'm so thankful that we can trust in that, and rest assured that it will all work out...

That's What She Said...

We actually arrived at the Bethany office on time, with Charlie in tow.  He waited in the shady car (windows down of course) as we went in with absolutely no expectations or ideas as to what we might be asked. SW explained that in order for her to write up an accurate home study (showcasing all of our perfectness ;) individual interviews would help her get to know us more candidly. I went first and Dave hung out with Charlie in the car, rather than in the lobby, which was much appreciated by our little "prince" of a pup. It's probably a good thing that (A) dogs can't talk (at least not in English) and (B) Charlie wouldn't be interviewed. As far as he's concerned, our little family of three (he doesn't consider the cat to be a family member but rather some fur thing that hangs out in the house) doesn't need to grow or change!

The interview took longer than I thought, which I should have figured.   I was asked all kinds of things like what it was like growing up and my favorite childhood memories. That was a hard one because so many of them were great. I finally answered with all the camping trip adventures we went on and Christmas in Young's Island with the Smoaks.  I used to love listening to my grandfather read the Christmas story from the Bible and exchange white elephant gifts! We talked about Dave and our marriage. Of course these answers brought about laughter and tears (I swear I am as emotional as a pregnant woman). Answering questions like, how do we divide chores and who does what made me laugh because I was picturing how Dave would answer this same question. With that in mind I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, hoping he'd do the same for me when it was his turn!

SW asked if we talked about how we wanted to raise our children, discipline, and expectations. I answered by saying our child will be perfect, just like our marriage, and we won't have to have discipline. She didn't laugh as I was expecting since that was a ridiculous answer. After telling her I was totally kidding she smiled and told me I'd be surprised at how often people say that in all seriousness. I guess that shouldn't be shocking, but really??!!

As soon as Dave finished and joined Charlie and I in the car, we couldn't help but ask each other how we answered each question.  Of course some questions were slightly different from Dave's point of view verses mine.  Like how we handle an argument... men and women really are totally different species.  We laughed all the way over to my mom's beach house discussing everything.  I think SW probably has a good idea of who we are and what our values and priorities are.  I hope and pray she knows that we love God, each other, to laugh regularly, and not take ourselves too seriously!

We are getting so close to being officially on the "list" of adoptive families.  SW will come for the final home visit next Monday, July 2! Once she types up all the required documents and mails it in to the state department, our home study will just need to be approved.  As soon as it is approved, we will start to see recruitment emails as early as that very day.  Then the real wait begins.  Only God knows how long or short that will be until He introduces us to the precious baby He has specifically created just for us!

The Home Study Begins

The Home Study process is off and running as we had our first home visit with our social worker (whom I'll call SW) June 7 and an office visit scheduled for tomorrow June 21.  The home visit went great, lasted about an hour or so.  Not because we live in a grand mansion but because apparently D and I love talking about adoption and what has brought us here and SW has patient listening skills, bless her!  We just get so excited sharing how blessed we have been through this process.  God really can turn any situation, no matter how despair, into a blessing!  I don't think I would have believed that a year or so ago, which makes me so thankful that He is changing my heart each and every day.

The whole Heilman household (including Charlie and Spunky the cat) got ready for the visit.  We were told not to over analyze the visit, have the house professionally cleaned, or do anything out of the ordinary to prepare.  So I'm not sure if spending three days cleaning (after all I'm certainly not a professional cleaner) and having both animals (yes-even the cat) undergo military style hair cuts falls under the "out of the ordinary" category.  But I mean, come on, who's not going to do anything to prepare... right?  Some might say that I forced my sweet old cat through torture to be shaved, but I think she kind of likes it.  You be the judge...

Spunky after her hair cut/shave.... Seems okay to me ;)

Charlie after his cut... the "Prince" as he considers himself, is used to it! Notice his "throne" of blankets and pillows...we've created a monster!

After showing SW around the house, taking approximately 5 minuets, we took the rest of the time just talking on the couch.  I must say I'm a little disappointed she didn't get to see (or care about) how clean and organized our bedroom closet was (that took one of those three cleaning days I mentioned earlier)!  We scheduled the office visit for tomorrow and she told us about the adoption preference form she would send out a day later.  I've been thinking about the preference form a lot lately, even though we have already completed and returned it.  I guess with Father's day just passing and specific scripture jumping off the Bible pages in my devotion, it seems like God is talking directly to me.  I know that He does that, as it says He does in multiple scriptures, but when it is actually happening, it always feels unbelievable!  Today I read Psalms 139 and verses 13-16, which in summary talks about how custom and specifically made we each were.  It's hard to set parameters around the type of child we want and aspects we are comfortable with him or her having due to pre-natal care or lack there of and genetics.  But there is a reality to that and it's only natural to want your baby to be healthy, whether he or she is received through adoption or biologically.  Ultimately it is in God's hands, and it would be even if we were having a biological child.  

I know it's going to be hard when we start receiving recruitment emails about babies in need of an adoptive family that have a special circumstance.  I just don't know how I could go through this without faith.  Faith in the fact that God has a baby already chosen for us and that He will lead us to that birth mother and child in His perfect timing.  Faith that He will only give us what we can handle.  Faith that He will help us throughout the whole process.  Without that faith, I would be a complete and total mess right now!  I have absolutely no idea what our baby will look like, not only physically but emotionally and developmentally,  , but then again, would I really have a better idea of any of those things if we were pregnant? And if we were pregnant would we change any of those things had we known ahead of time if possible?  Of course that wouldn't be possible anyway, and I don't have to really answers those questions, thank God.  I do know that Dave and I have to have faith that it will all work out.

We are looking forward to our office visit and mini vacation there after with my mom and family.  Dave We will have separate interviews with SW and I really can't imagine what we will be asked but Dave and I have been pretty open to just about any question so we shall see.  And of course I'll keep you posted...