Saturday, October 7, 2017

No one told me...

When you start out on a journey, typically you know where you are going... that's a good theory anyway. I guess that's where we started, back in January of 2016, just starting another "journey." We started the adoption process for another child, but I have to admit I was kind of kicking and screaming.  I mean we have a three year old, sooooooo, that's like hard...seriously full blown toddler hard!!!
I think my husband was feeling the "tug" more than I was, but sure, I love my siblings and want my child to have that very same love, I mean right??? To be honest, I was a doubting thomas all along, thinking, sure... let's start the process (which can take forever) and then the wait (which for our first was almost two years)... got nothing but time, insert  wide-eyed emoji.
God, however had a different idea in mind.  It wasn't but a few months later when we got the call. Now I say that with some trepidation, given our past experience. I guess in my mind, I thought we'd go through a similar situation as before, which meant numerous calls with situations that wouldn't work out for various reasons.  This, however, had God written all over it.  I know that sounds cliche, and if you don't know me, probably even more so... but I really don't know how else to explain it.
I was teaching my three year old preschool students and I had two missed calls when I  checked my phone.  One from my social worker and one from my husband. When I looked at my phone, I knew, and I needed a minute.  I called my husband back first and listened to him explain the details... which just made me cry.   Not a sad cry, but a "are you serious Lord" cry... see I was still a little bit in denial about the whole second child thing all together.  I was gonna need a big ed slap in the face, wake the you know what up, kind of call. And well...this call... it was about a boy who was so clearly meant to be apart of our family it might have come with blaring alarms.
Again we were chosen due to my father's hispanic heritage, but make no mistake, God beautifully orchestrated each detail...
A few weeks prior I was driving with my son, who said, "mama, I want my baby," which prompted me to say what do you mean?? My precious (well beyond his years) three year old responded with "you know, the baby who will come from another mommy's belly; I'm ready, I want to play with him"...and then as if on cue... a week or so later he decided he wanted to move into his "big boy" room.  Now this might not seem like a big deal but it was a huge weight on my heart! So much so that I was willing to buy another crib and put in the guest room until he was ready.  Yep, that's some serious signs of first born-syndrome.  and God knew it... my first littlest love was a huge hurdle in getting my heart ready for another. This move was monumental, and right on time.
The stage was set, and I had no idea, we got a call, and 9 days later brought home our baby. Within those days I could never have imagined the events that took place, and the precious moments shared with our newest son's beautiful birth mother. Many of those details belong to my son to know them first when he seeks for them. I am so grateful for those moments, those very sudden moments that came into our lives so abruptly.  We brought home our sweet bennett the day before Christmas Eve, which was already a crazy busy time, which I had somewhat committed my whole attentions to my three year old.  In my mind, the timing couldn't be worse, but in God's it couldn't be better. Yes, this was a blessing.  Yes, we are so thankful... but no one told me how hard this would be!
Our sweet blessing never stops crying.  It was only a week we were given to wrap our mind around having another child. No one told me how hard it would be to endure countless hours of inconsolable crying.  I find myself like a deer in headlights awake in the middle of the night wondering...seriously... is this what you had in mind Lord? I'm not talking about a few nights of no sleep, I'm talking about weeks of no sleep, a marriage strain, moments where you are so frustrated you don't know who you are. An all of a sudden, here's a baby, with colic, is a lot to wrap your mind around. But this precious little being is more than worth it and I am more than blessed to hold the title of mommy to him... yet every ounce of me screams help, help me Lord, help me be who you want me to be. Help me be who this precious child needs me to be, who I am. I know this will pass and I will look back and shake my head but in this moment I am so thankful to be able to drop to my knees in prayer and receive reassurance.
Originally written early February 2017.... forgotten about until October 2017...

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