Never before in my life have I been able to see God with me so clearly as I do now. Of course God has always been there, I just didn't put any effort into seeing Him in the small things. Plenty of times I chose to flat out ignore Him. Now I find myself searching for God in almost every moment of my day, knowing it is quite possible and highly likely I won't get through the day without Him! It's funny how events both good and bad can either bring us back to our heavenly Father or push us further away.
Some of the hurt that David and I have experienced lately, I find myself thinking if it had happened years ago, I'm not sure it would have brought me closer to God. We made a pact at the beginning of this adoption journey that we would follow God's plan where ever it lead us. I didn't think it would drag us through miles of thorn bushes, maybe a rose bush or two, but nevertheless here we are on the other side of yet another road block. I don't mean to focus on the heartbreak side, certainly the less talked about side of adoption, but it's the truth of where we're at. A close girlfriend of mine told me the other day that reading these posts make her so sad. I laughed a little and told her that's not what they are supposed to do! I don't really know what these posts are supposed to do, but certainly not make people sad. As much as I would love to keep the sad parts out of this journey, they belong in our story as much as the happily ever after ending...which let's be honest, I've never heard any parent ever say that having their children resulted in a blissful fairytale ending:) I mean night feedings and diaper duty doesn't exactly scream bliss.
A week ago Tuesday was supposed to be the second set induce date for the expectant mother we had been matched with. For the last month or so we were planning to bring home a precious little boy. We were so confident and sure this was the one. It wasn't the typical scenario that we had originally imagined. In fact we were the fourth family chosen for this child, so the fact that the opportunity had even reached us, we took as a sign. It made us really step out in faith, the drop down to your knees and pray repeatedly kind of faith. We struggled with the decision and in the end were led to James 1:27..."Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." We had our answer and we thought for sure, this had to be our little guy, finally our little blessing was here.
We found out not to long ago that the expectant mother had the baby on time, and for whatever reason didn't want to tell her social worker that she was keeping him. It is a reality that all adoptive parents have to think about and many face. When we were told that the induce date had been rescheduled for the second time we knew something wasn't right and that this could be the outcome, a few days later our suspicion was confirmed. Of course it was a hard reality to swallow, but after all something similar had happened before and as we have seen first hand... everything with adoption is COMPLETELY out of our control. We had a choice, we could stay angry and upset or we could just trust God. It seemed an easy choice. God covered us with his peace and provided us with hope. It's a feeling I've never felt before in all my life. The strength to pick ourselves up and put away all the sweet little baby boy essentials that had started to multiply around our house doesn't come from within me. Those who knew me years ago can testify to just how big of a mess I was when something as simple as losing my cell phone would completely paralyze my world! Don't get me wrong, I'm still a big mess, just a much more peaceful mess, clearly thanks to God Almighty.
Maybe God was protecting us from something in the future. Maybe He needed to teach us something that will make sense later. Maybe He was testing our faith, only time will tell and the "why" isn't really important. So many wonderfully supportive friends and family have told us that once we do get our sweet little blessing, this will just be another special part in the story that brought us closer him or her. In my heart, I know that's true!