No one told me...

When you start out on a journey, typically you know where you are going... that's a good theory anyway. I guess that's where we started, back in January of 2016, just starting another "journey." We started the adoption process for another child, but I have to admit I was kind of kicking and screaming.  I mean we have a three year old, sooooooo, that's like hard...seriously full blown toddler hard!!!

I think my husband was feeling the "tug" more than I was, but sure, I love my siblings and want my child to have that very same love, I mean right??? To be honest, I was a doubting thomas all along, thinking, sure... let's start the process (which can take forever) and then the wait (which for our first was almost two years)... got nothing but time, insert  wide-eyed emoji.

God, however had a different idea in mind.  It wasn't but a few months later when we got the call. Now I say that with some trepidation, given our past experience. I guess in my mind, I thought we'd go through a similar situation as before, which meant numerous calls with situations that wouldn't work out for various reasons.  This, however, had God written all over it.  I know that sounds cliche, and if you don't know me, probably even more so... but I really don't know how else to explain it.

I was teaching my three year old preschool students and I had two missed calls when I  checked my phone.  One from my social worker and one from my husband. When I looked at my phone, I knew, and I needed a minute.  I called my husband back first and listened to him explain the details... which just made me cry.   Not a sad cry, but a "are you serious Lord" cry... see I was still a little bit in denial about the whole second child thing all together.  I was gonna need a big ed slap in the face, wake the you know what up, kind of call. And well...this call... it was about a boy who was so clearly meant to be apart of our family it might have come with blaring alarms.

Again we were chosen due to my father's hispanic heritage, but make no mistake, God beautifully orchestrated each detail...

A few weeks prior I was driving with my son, who said, "mama, I want my baby," which prompted me to say what do you mean?? My precious (well beyond his years) three year old responded with "you know, the baby who will come from another mommy's belly; I'm ready, I want to play with him"...and then as if on cue... a week or so later he decided he wanted to move into his "big boy" room.  Now this might not seem like a big deal but it was a huge weight on my heart! So much so that I was willing to buy another crib and put in the guest room until he was ready.  Yep, that's some serious signs of first born-syndrome.  and God knew it... my first littlest love was a huge hurdle in getting my heart ready for another. This move was monumental, and right on time.

The stage was set, and I had no idea, we got a call, and 9 days later brought home our baby. Within those days I could never have imagined the events that took place, and the precious moments shared with our newest son's beautiful birth mother. Many of those details belong to my son to know them first when he seeks for them. I am so grateful for those moments, those very sudden moments that came into our lives so abruptly.  We brought home our sweet bennett the day before Christmas Eve, which was already a crazy busy time, which I had somewhat committed my whole attentions to my three year old.  In my mind, the timing couldn't be worse, but in God's it couldn't be better. Yes, this was a blessing.  Yes, we are so thankful... but no one told me how hard this would be!

Our sweet blessing never stops crying.  It was only a week we were given to wrap our mind around having another child. No one told me how hard it would be to endure countless hours of inconsolable crying.  I find myself like a deer in headlights awake in the middle of the night wondering...seriously... is this what you had in mind Lord? I'm not talking about a few nights of no sleep, I'm talking about weeks of no sleep, a marriage strain, moments where you are so frustrated you don't know who you are. An all of a sudden, here's a baby, with colic, is a lot to wrap your mind around. But this precious little being is more than worth it and I am more than blessed to hold the title of mommy to him... yet every ounce of me screams help, help me Lord, help me be who you want me to be. Help me be who this precious child needs me to be, who I am. I know this will pass and I will look back and shake my head but in this moment I am so thankful to be able to drop to my knees in prayer and receive reassurance.
Originally written early February 2017.... forgotten about until October 2017...

Facing Goliath

An old friend called out of the blue and asked me to be apart of a special event. As she told me a little bit more about it, my first thought was... wow, I'm honored you'd even think of me... and you've definitely got the wrong person!

In a nutshell she wanted me to stand in front of 300 plus people and paint a picture of Mary and Christ during the reading of It Began in a Manger by Max Lucado, oh and in about 12-15 minutes. No big deal, right?!?! Well, maybe not to some but certainly to someone who
A. hyperventilates at the thought of being in a room full of strangers, let alone stand on a stage with their full attention;
B. is completely un-confident {yes, I realize that's not a word} in the ability to draw people, less yet our Lord and Savior, you know the Prince of Peace and the King of Kings!!!!
And C. has a hard time doing anything in a handful of minutes (I've self diagnosed myself with a serious case of ADD becoming more severe with age)!

I can think of an endless number of people more qualified, talented, and confident than myself! But she didn't ask anyone else, just me and the Lord was really tugging at my heart. I read the story and started to cry {I know, shocker, I seem to cry all the time these days, commercials, music, you name it}... I've heard the story of Jesus's birth a million times but reading it this time, this version, something was different. I thought of Mary holding her newborn baby, as a new mom, looking at her little miracle so tiny and helpless. All the emotions that must have gone through her mind... Ones most likely shared by all new moms holding their babies for the first time. This I could relate to, which I'm so grateful to be able to say; I could begin to understand Mary in a different way. Immediately a picture had come to mind and I felt that familiar tug at my heart yet again. The picture I was lead to was not the traditional one I remember from Sunday school of Mary and Christ, or even the one often seen on Christmas cards of Jesus in a manger, but I was reminded of a picture taken of Hudson a few days old held in my arms. It was a natural unposed picture capturing a moment that every new mom can relate to.

God started speaking to my heart, encouraging me to trust Him, that I could do this, He would help me do this. This thing I saw as Goliath, this thing I couldn't possibly do, this thing I wasn't talented nor confident enough to do.  So I agreed to do it... After all God had tugged at my heart before, and it led my husband and I to adopt, and that turned out to be more of a blessing than we had ever dreamed. If I could honor God with the gift He has given me, How could I say no?

It took a couple months of figuring out the logistics... We changed it from painting to chalk drawing on black paper, and added some time with the reading and the song Mary Did You Know (along with a million other behind the scenes organizing and planning I had nothing to do with, but my friend and a group of wonderful people at the church worked endless hours on). But the composition stayed the same, a simple innocent baby's face cradled in his mothers arms. 

After lots of practice and even more prayer, the day had arrived. It was time to face "Goliath." I had been teasing myself calling it this with my husband throughout the whole process but that morning I actually read the story in 1samuel of David and Goliath. Although it was Quite {with a capital Q}, different circumstances there were some similarities... I was terrified and about to go to battle with a tall order of fears, facing them head on and unarmed. But the Lord had my back and held my hand (quite literally in this case;)

Once again I trusted him and once again I was blessed because if it! It was an amazing experience that I was so humbled to be apart of. It wasn't the greatest work of art, lots of little mistakes, but in combination with the heartfelt reading, stage set up, lighting, atmosphere, and music, the message was clear... It began in a manger, and that's what Christmas is all about. What a blessing it was to be reminded of that at the start of this holiday season, it's so easy to lose sight of!
Although I'm glad it's over, I'm so thankful to have been apart of that event {A Christmas Remembered at Old Fort Baptist Church} I faced my fears, my "Goliath,"and was reminded in the process how good  and reliable God is! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ~ Philippians 4:13... Good to remember when bigger "Goliath's" come along!

Mother's Day

I woke up the Saturday before Mother's day with my dog, Charlie, licking my hand.  He was ready to eat and this was his gentle way of encouraging me to get up and feed him.  I usually don't notice Charlie because he does this to my husband (along with make lots of noise in his crate that I can easily ignore, but my husband not so much).  Dave is the one who wakes up first, feeds charlie, then gets ready to feed our little man.  It's their time together, and it always touches my heart to watch them together when I walk down the steps in the morning.
This morning, it's just me and the dog.  My son, who is 7months old now, and my husband are visiting family for a special event and I am headed to a friends wedding.  I am not one who likes to be alone... I love spending all day with my son and feel blessed to be able to stay at home with him.  It's a job I have yearned for so deeply, I still cry when I think about it.  This is the first time I have been away from my little one over night and it is definitely harder than I thought.
Since I was up so early with nothing to do... the Today show wasn't even on yet... I got some coffee and checked my email to find a blog post shared by a dear friend of mine.  Usually I save these for when I have a quiet moment to read, which could be a while with a 7month old, but the house was almost empty and definitely quiet.  She is a friend who always seems to send encouraging or inspiring things at exactly the right moment, so I treasure what she sends.
I sat on the couch and read a beautiful story from a birth mom and cried my eyes out! She told her story in such a open and touching way.  I am thankful there are women, birth moms, out there who have the bravery and courage to talk about and share their stories. It is easy to have a misconception about things you don't understand or know about... I am certainly guilty! Lately, when I look at my beautiful son, often behind joyful tears, I think about Jeremiah 1:5 "I knew you before I formed you in your mothers womb, before you were born I set you apart." God has laid this verse on my heart in such a way that I get emotional every time I think about what that means! It was four long years of wanting a child before God blessed us with our sweet boy... all the while He knew my sweet boy and formed him in his birth mother's womb with my husband and I in mind!  God, the Creator of the universe, did that for me????  How unworthy I am, but how overwhelmingly thankful and blessed I am! 
In the blog post I read, the birth mother wrote "But when I made up my mind; I knew, that I knew, that I knew...that this child growing inside me, was always supposed to be someone else's child. When I made up my mind, I never changed it. I never wavered in my decision. I was certain, full of faith, that I was doing exactly what God had planned for me, and for my firstborn child."
Wow, just wow! I couldn't help but stop to think of our son's birth mother.  I think of her from time to time and wonder how she is doing.  I pray for her often and am inspired by her bravery and courage. It was so refreshing to read another birth mothers story, so close to Mother's Day.  For the past few years, Mother's Day was a day of mixed emotions to say the least!  It was one full of thanks for the three mother figures I have in my life, each in their own unique ways. One grateful to still have them in my life.  I also rejoiced for my mommy friends, especially the ones that struggled to become mommy's but had finally been blessed with children. But it was also a day of sadness, hurt, and pain.  One that reminded me of the missing void in my life, the missing yearning to have that "job" of being a mom. With this being my first Mother's Day, I hold it as a very special day, one that I will never forget.  I can't wait to see "my boy's" on Sunday.  But I am also reminded of dear ones close to me, that still share the pain that Mother's Day can bring. Friends that have lost their little ones, friends struggling with infertility, friends waiting to adopt... my heart aches for their pain but rejoices in knowing that God is still busy at work forming His perfect plan for their lives.  Oh the beauty that will unfold for each of them in His perfect timing. Hang in there sweet sisters and know that your time of joy and healing is coming!
I now add birth mothers to my thoughts on this special day.  Not just the one who gave life to the most precious thing I get to hold in my arms and call my son, but to all the beautiful birth moms.  Adoption is LOVE on all sides.... after all anything that God knows and forms is out of the purest kind of love there is!

To read the blog post that inspired me, check out this link...
http://raisingbluebirds.blogspot.com/2014/01/i-am-birth-mother.html

Worth the Wait!

You spend  your whole life waiting on something. That "something" seems to change right along with life as you grow older.  Waiting is just a natural and necessary means to a conclusion.  Particularly In the last few months I've come to appreciate the "waiting" process as I've been able to see it from a different perspective.

We had our second home study back in early July.  Naturally we were apprehensive leading up to the visit but there were some clear differences in the preparation between the first one and this one.  While the first one took weeks of cleaning, organizing, and mentally preparing for, this past one not so much. I woke up, looked at David and said, "oh yeah, our social worker will be here in a few hours... maybe we should vacuum?!?!"  It was a good visit, not much new to report, but we talked about our desire to look into international adoption.  We figured the domestic adoption was taking so long, we could handle the rumored "lengthy" international route if that was what God was calling us to do.  Before our social worker left, I joked with her, guess we'll hear some good news from you next week right?

Oddly enough, we did hear some good news a few short weeks after our second home study was complete!  It was the news we had waited so long to hear; but we had heard similar news before that didn't lead us to the conclusion we had wanted. So when we heard another expectant mother had chosen us, we had our guards up.  Those guards quickly began to crumble as we found out more and more about the situation and became absolutely in awe of the precious expectant mother.   She had chosen us after looking through the "big book" of countless deserving families one page descriptions accompanied by a photo.  She kept coming back to ours and finally asked if there was any Hispanic connection... I'm not sure how she knew, but when she learned that my father is Hispanic she told our social worker, they are the ones! She too has a Hispanic parent and lives with them in Guatemala.  Her other American parent allows her to have dual citizenship and have the baby here in the States. When I got the call, tears streamed down my face and a feeling I've never felt before made my heart want to burst outside my chest.  I couldn't wait to call David, I knew his answer would be yes just as instantly as mine.  We had just opened our hearts to the idea of an international adoption and here we were with an international baby placed in the "domestic adoption package" here practically in our own back yard! God couldn't be anymore all over this!

As ecstatic as we were, the last failed situation still left some lingering doubt.  We only shared the news with family and we continued the wait. The wait to see if this was really it, the one God planned just for us! We learned more about the birth mother during this wait and for her protection, I won't share too many details.  But we are blessed to know her as a courageous and amazing young woman! She sent us a special package with a heartfelt letter, little outfit, and a picture of the ultrasound letting us know it's a Boy!  Her thoughtfulness meant so much more to us than can really be described.  It gave us hope and allowed us to overcome that lingering doubt.  It was another sign from God that this was it, an answer to so many prayers that our wait would soon be over.  

A few days before the due date, we got a phone call from David's parents that his grandmother most likely wouldn't make it through the weekend.  We had one loved one going and another coming... it seemed impossible timing! We had just heard that our expectant mother was only 1 cm dilated and most likely wouldn't deliver on time, so we dropped everything (I can't even begin to tell you how many things that "everything" encompassed.... It was quite possibly the busiest weekend in the entire year) and headed to the only place that made sense. We headed in the opposite direction from where our sweet baby was to be delivered any day now, to be with family and say goodbye to an amazing woman, praying God would work out all the timing.  When we got there we found ourselves waiting on something very different. Now we were waiting for our dynamically beautiful grandmother to pass peacefully and comfortably, surrounded by family from all over the States.  She took her last breath Sunday, two days after we had gotten there and two days after the due date.  Monday morning we got the news that our birth mother would be induced on Wednesday.  Amazingly enough the funeral was able to be organized and scheduled for Tuesday morning.  God literally timed and orchestrated every minuet to work out perfectly. As anxious as we were for baby to make his debut, his late arrival was such a blessing as it allowed us to be able to be with family.

When we got back home, we began a new wait.  One that was much harder than I expected. We got news that he was born... a healthy 8 lb 9 oz little bundle. He and our now birth mother were doing great.  That was a huge relief and answer to prayer but we were dying to see him, hold him, kiss him, and take him home.  The next 48 hours slowly ticked by making every second seem like an eternity. I'm not sure how it is that two days of waiting were so much worse than the two years of waiting on this little guy!

Finally Friday came and after not much sleep at all we were off to meet our little man! Well after about 30 min of trying to put the stubborn car seat in the car... That was obnoxiously complicated for us rookies! We were so curious what he would look like and had hours to .. There are not words that can describe the joy that filled our hearts seeing him for the first time. He's the most handsome little guy I've ever seen! Of course the whole way home I rode in the back just staring at him! We couldn't wait to get him home... And just in time for his first Carolina football game!! I mean priorities, right!! We are more than thrilled to introduce our sweet little gift from God...Hudson James...

Love at first sight!

Quick snack before we hit the road...

Ready to go home!

Home sweet home after a bottle and a good swaddle!

Home Study Round Two...

It's hard to believe a little over a year has passed since we gathered all our paperwork and finalized our home study.  Today we put the stamp on our packet of updated contracts and reports for our second go round of the home study.  I was really dreading this at the beginning of the summer, when a sweet friend shared something with me.  She had to also do a second home study as theirs had expired just like ours.  And along with it came some of the same dreaded feelings and heavy sighs.  But she is the proud mother of two sweet little girls.  She got her first little one shortly after updating the expired home study.  They had started thinking and praying about starting the process to adopt their second child a while after and hit a few obstacles.  Sure enough, God was working behind the scenes, and surprised them with a little baby girl seemingly out of nowhere.  Had they not updated their home study, they would not have had time to complete a new one and adopt their second sweet little blessing.  Timing is everything and although I wish some days our waiting time would come to an end, deep down I really am glad it's all in God's timing!

Full disclosure however... sometimes I have to reach down really really deep to remind myself of that and keep going.  I recently was connected with another sweet Godly woman going through the adoption process, who like many of us waiting mamas, writes a blog.  I read a couple of her entries and one that really stood out was entitled "I'm Tired." She wrote very honestly about being tired of things that all of us waiting mamas can relate to, but often out of southern politeness, never actually say.  

Tired of being asked "are you pregnant yet?" or hearing of yet another friend who is pregnant... the list went on and I laughed at some and cried at others as they all hit home. I'm so thankful to meet other women and couples going through this process and hearing their stories, emotions, and experiences.  They make me feel a bit more normal (if there is such a thing).  There is not a doubt in mind that God connects us at the most perfect moments to give encouragement and hope.

So here we are, still waiting, but still hopeful.  It's good to know, God keeps His promises... I'm giving the old saying, "the patience of Job" a whole new appreciation! I could sure use a little of that!

The Good, The Sad, & The Bad

Never before in my life have I been able to see God with me so clearly as I do now.  Of course God has always been there, I just didn't put any effort into seeing Him in the small things.  Plenty of times I chose to flat out ignore Him. Now I find myself searching for God in almost every moment of my day, knowing it is quite possible and highly likely I won't get through the day without Him!  It's funny how events both good and bad can either bring us back to our heavenly Father or push us further away.

Some of the hurt that David and I have experienced lately, I find myself thinking if it had happened years ago, I'm not sure it would have brought me closer to God. We made a pact at the beginning of this adoption journey that we would follow God's plan where ever it lead us.  I didn't think it would drag us through miles of thorn bushes, maybe a rose bush or two, but nevertheless here we are on the other side of yet another road block.  I don't mean to focus on the heartbreak side, certainly the less talked about side of adoption, but it's the truth of where we're at.  A close girlfriend of mine told me the other day that reading these posts make her so sad.  I laughed a little and told her that's not what they are supposed to do!  I don't really know what these posts are supposed to do, but certainly not make people sad.  As much as I would love to keep the sad parts out of this journey, they belong in our story as much as the happily ever after ending...which let's be honest, I've never heard any parent ever say that having their children resulted in a blissful fairytale ending:) I mean night feedings and diaper duty doesn't exactly scream bliss.

A week ago Tuesday was supposed to be the second set induce date for the expectant mother we had been matched with.  For the last month or so we were planning to bring home a precious little boy.  We were so confident and sure this was the one.  It wasn't the typical scenario that we had originally imagined.  In fact we were the fourth family chosen for this child, so the fact that the opportunity had even reached us, we took as a sign.  It made us really step out in faith, the drop down to your knees and pray repeatedly kind of faith. We struggled with the decision and in the end were led to James 1:27..."Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  We had our answer and we thought for sure, this had to be our little guy, finally our little blessing was here.

We found out not to long ago that the expectant mother had the baby on time, and for whatever reason didn't want to tell her social worker that she was keeping him.  It is a reality that all adoptive parents have to think about and many face. When we were told that the induce date had been rescheduled for the second time we knew something wasn't right and that this could be the outcome, a few days later our suspicion was confirmed.  Of course it was a hard reality to swallow, but after all something similar had happened before and as we have seen first hand... everything with adoption is COMPLETELY out of our control. We had a choice, we could stay angry and upset or we could just trust God.  It seemed an easy choice.  God covered us with his peace and provided us with hope.  It's a feeling I've never felt before in all my life.  The strength to pick ourselves up and put away all the sweet little baby boy essentials that had started to multiply around our house doesn't come from within me.  Those who knew me years ago can testify to just how big of a mess I was when something as simple as losing my cell phone would completely paralyze my world! Don't get me wrong, I'm still a big mess, just a much more peaceful mess,  clearly thanks to God Almighty.

Maybe God was protecting us from something in the future.  Maybe He needed to teach us something that will make sense later.  Maybe He was testing our faith, only time will tell and the "why" isn't really important.  So many wonderfully supportive friends and family have told us that once we do get our sweet little blessing, this will just be another special part in the story that brought us closer him or her. In my heart, I know that's true!

As Small as a Mustard Seed

I've been putting the writing of this update off because my heart has been pulled in so many different directions I didn't know how to even begin putting it into words.  It's recently become clear how important each of those emotions, along with the experiences that prompted them are.  Every minuet of happiness, and joy; each second of heart wrenching pain, devastation, and loss, all act as little stones building upon one another to create God's path for David and I.  Not one more important than the other, some less desirable than others, but all playing a key role.

Recently we responded to a recruitment email about a precious little baby along with 18 other families.  We thought our chances of getting chosen out of that many families was slim, but sure enough, we were the expectant mom's first choice.  David and I were ecstatic to say the least.  We spent the next 24 hours thinking about our baby girl... what she would look like, how we would doll up the nursery adding pink to the gender neutral decor (okay that was me, not David).  We were so excited, terrified, and overwhelmed at what exactly we would do with this precious little girl once we actually brought her home and began a new chapter as parents! Real, responsible for another little human being, parents!

And then just as suddenly we got a call that the expectant mother had changed her mind about us, she wanted to go with another couple.  Stunned, and having an out of body experience, I have no idea how the rest of that conversation went.  I dropped to my knees in tears, not wanting to tell David that we just lost our baby girl.  After all, she was ours, we were picked, we were scheduled to meet the expectant mom and everything just seemed so perfect.  But she wasn't and isn't ours.  Anger followed the loss and sadness as we tried to figure out and understand what on Earth had just happened!

A dear friend of mine had sent a devotional a few days before about the story of the mustard seed from Matthew 17:20..."If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, move from here to there."  I could just feel God picking me up and holding my hand.  I remembered a prayer I said after finding out that 18 families responded to adopt this child.  I asked God to open the door if this was the child He had planned for us and to close that door if it wasn't.  Well He answered by doing both, and in a very short period of time.  That's all we needed, just a little bit of faith, that this was part of God's path for us.  Dave and I woke up the next morning with an unbelievable sense of peace.

Over the last few years, God has been slowly breaking us down so He could build us back up into the children He wants us to be.  We couldn't start down the path He had planned for us until we went through some serious changes.  Changes in the way we think our family will look, changes in what we value as important, and changes in our relationship with Him.  And maybe because I'm extra stubborn, a few extra painful "stones" were necessary to make me see the bigger picture.  As David said so perfectly the other day, our family is going to be unique, it's not going to look like what we originally thought. But that's the best part, it is going to look like God's design, and that is more beautiful than anything we could ever hope for!

Hopeful

"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

When all is well I find this easy to do. When things become a little, or a lot rocky, doing this becomes more essential, for me at least. Dave sent this to me this morning, which helped provide a little clarity in how to write this post. I've been meaning to write, but found it impossible to start. Most of you know that I just write how I talk, from my heart and thoughts, including typos and grammatical catastrophes. My mind has been so jumbled with emotions over the past month or so that a complete sentence seemed to much to ask for. I guess the secret is out...I do put some thought into what I write, as I care about the people who actually read this.

So how to explain the emotional roller coaster of our most recent journey twist and turns? We have been through a few different scenarios, all very different, but all leading to the possibility of having a baby to call our own. One came out of the blue from a friend of a friend, which seemed an ideal situation. Another from our first recruitment email that we felt moved to respond to. And the most recent from a young birth mom who chose us.  None of the situations worked out, for various different reasons and Dave and I are at peace with that. We trust God and His plan for us, and it just wasn't our time.

Although we accept that, it isn't without a little struggle and heartbreak.  One of the situations, the baby was already born, healthy and waiting at the hospital.  To think that right in this very moment we could have our little baby, in our home and in our arms is astounding (and a little scary).  I am so glad that I have an amazing husband in moments like this.  When I say that Dave really helped me to view this as hopeful rather than a loss, is a massive understatement! But he's right, we didn't lose a baby or an opportunity.  We gained hope that there will be a baby in our future, they are out there.  And our vulnerability has strengthened our Faith and dependence on God... which is kind of the point I guess...

James 1:2-4 
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

It's funny, I never really relied on scripture before, and now it's our life line!  Sometimes I come across these scriptures in my daily devotional reading, sometimes friends and family send them, or other times I hear them on the radio or in a sermon.  They always seem to say just the right thing at just the right time.  So we are hanging in there, still waiting.  Learning that we are waiting not just on our baby, but the right situation too.  For us, for baby, and for birth mom/family;  It really isn't about just us.

Thankful...

Tis the season to be thankful; which seems to be a "right on time" reminder for me!  This morning Dave and I listened to a sermon on TV that was recorded last Sunday.  As I've stated so many times before, there is no such thing as coincidences, and watching that sermon in that very moment was certainly a much needed moment.  It was about being thankful, not so much for the things that we have, but for the things that cannot be seen.
The scripture used was 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18... "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."
How often I forget that life, all of it's ups and downs, are but a blink of an eye.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about and day dream of our little baby.  I wish I could say that all of those thoughts are patient, happy ones.  Truth be told, it's more of a mixed bag of emotions, including worry, confusion, sadness, and loss.  It is pretty easy to get caught up in some of those emotions, and I'm glad ones of excitement, curiosity, and pure joy are mixed in there to balance that little brain of mine out!
Infertility, all its emotional issues, and dealing with innocent, but sometimes harsh comments made, along with the waiting process can certainly feel like a heavy trouble weighing us down.  But it truly is small and temporary!
From speaking with so many other couples, and women, going through such similar circumstances I've really learned how valuable having faith is.  How important it is to be thankful for all the support, blessings, and love we are surrounded with.  But also to be thankful for the pain of infertility, and the waiting process!  God is changing who I am, making me a much better person, and as I write with tears in my eyes I am truly grateful for that.  I can honestly say that I look at life in a totally different way; one of gratitude and appreciation.  Not for all the "things" we fortunately have, but for the ones that can't be seen!  Though it's a daily battle, and not the route I would voluntarily choose, I am glad that it is our journey.  I just love the saying that life can only be lived forward but understood backwards, and can't wait to be looking backwards through all of this and praising God for every troubling emotion I wrestled with! But we are not quite there yet, and each step leading up to that point has been one supported with multitudes of friends and family members.
I've been writing thank you notes lately and I often feel like I am repeating myself.  I hope that I never sound insincere, because both Dave and I really mean every word of thanks.  Recently, our parents hosted a baby shower for us, and our friends surprised us with a dinner shower the other weekend.  Stocking the nursery with all the essentials, I get so much joy from organizing all the teeny tiny socks in the drawers and finding a place for toys that our little baby will use.  Each one of those gifts represents so much more than its actual use.  To receive a gift for a seemingly "imaginary" baby, one not carried in my own womb. One who's entrance into this world and our lives, contains so many unknowns.  That gift represents a very real hope for us! It is an incredible gift because it comes from a heart full of excitement, love, prayer, and support... and that is something we cannot be more thankful for!

Our baby shower hosted by our parents

With girlfriends at the surprise dinner shower...if you look closely at the mirror you will find the boys watching football in the background :)

76 Days and counting

When it seems like forever, it's good to sit down, do the math, and rest assured that "forever" might be a strong word.  233 days ago we decided to take this adoption journey and turned in our preliminary application. 181 days ago we submitted our formal application with Bethany.  Our home study approval (and my Babies R Us anxiety attack) was only 10 weeks and a couple of days ago.  I don't know why, but that helps me put things in perspective a little bit. We have accomplished so much in that time.  The nursery is finished, minus a couple of details. We have chosen and met with our lawyer a couple of times and even written up a living will. I kind of went a little crazy on completing our registries, turns out you can get free stuff when you register at certain places. We have a pretty good idea of what we will and won't need. In a couple of weeks we will have reached our savings goal to pay the placement fee and lawyer, complete praise to the Lord!  Names for a boy or girl have been chosen ( i do however wish that they started with the same initial so we could monogram some things- must be the southern girl in me).  We are working on a pediatrician and planning to schedule some office meetings next week. Oh, and Our family profile has even been uploaded to Bethany's web page.

The nursery... 

 

So it seems we have almost all our ducks in a row... Which sounds great on paper but can do a number on us  emotionally (and by us I mean mostly me; Dave has proven himself patient and casually cool once again). When we had so much to do to "prepare" for the baby, I was distracted just enough to keep me from concentrating on the waiting timeline. But now that we are as prepared as much as possible ( I mean are new parents ever really prepared??) I can't help but watch the clock!  It can be challenging to remember that God has a specific and purposefully planned child chosen just for us and will deliver that sweet baby in our arms in His perfect timing, not mine!  Why is it that I feel like God needs my help, I mean He did create the universe and everything in it, I think he can handle this too!  Moments when the waiting can seem unbearable, I am so thankful for Dave's level head and other mommies in waiting. We've been so fortunate to have been connected with other couples going through this same journey. I've been able to pour my heart out and vent all of my frustrations to women who can say, " you're not alone, I've felt the exact same way." I don't take those women for granted and am so blessed to have them in my life! Each minuet that passes I find myself wondering about our baby and know that when we do finally get to meet him or her, it will be well worth the wait!

We're Approved!

I've been waiting to write a post until our home study was approved, and thought that wait might take a bit longer... but out of the blue yesterday our social worker called and told us that it was not only complete, but approved as well!  For some reason,  I had it in my head that she had to finish writing it, we had to sign it, and then it had to be sent off to government land to be approved.  It all happened simultaneously however, which suites me just fine!  I had envisioned it sitting on the desk of some overworked, underpaid government employee in a building similar to the one seen on the TV show Parks and Recreation, waiting forever to be signed by a "Ron Swanson."  Maybe I watch to much TV, because thankfully this wasn't the case!

So now we are officially on the waiting list and could be potentially chosen by a birth mom any day now.  After the initial excitement, then came the anxiety and reality that we still aren't ready for a newborn.  Emotionally, we've been ready, but physically???  Well lets just say that my art studio (located directly by the nursery) is still a "death trap" for any crawling little person, the nursery is missing all the cozy bedding and essential gear, and we don't have any of the safety must-haves like, I don't know, a car seat!!!  I had a miniature panic attack in Babies R Us yesterday.  I was there getting some things for a work project and had just gotten the email & message from Bethany about the approval.  I think that might have been the worst place to take all of that in, because if you've ever been there, it's the biggest craziest baby emporium on the planet.  I was very tempted to hand the sales lady at the counter my visa and tell her "I guess I'll take one of everything?"  I mean, where on earth do we start.  There must be 20 different types of bottle's alone, and I have no idea what the difference is between the million types of strollers, car seats, formulas, boppys, do- dads, and thing-a-ma-jigs available!  I started to feel like I was in a Dr. Seuss novel, so I had to get out of there quick.

Once safely at home, and more importantly after speaking with Dave, I began to be comforted with the fact that just because we've been approved, doesn't mean we will get our baby tomorrow.  We still have time to stock our nursery, closets, and cabinets with everything we need (how much time, I don't know).  Thankfully we have tons of friends with babies of all ages, so we'll be calling on them to tell us what we can't live without!

We do however have our family book finished, ordered, and shipped to the Bethany offices.  That took much longer than probably necessary but I obsessed over the "creative" design aspects.  Sometimes being a creative thinker can be painfully annoying!  But it's done, and we're approved... so now we wait (some more).  We have to keep reminding ourselves that God is in control, and we will meet our baby in His perfect timing!  I'm so thankful that we can trust in that, and rest assured that it will all work out...

That's What She Said...

We actually arrived at the Bethany office on time, with Charlie in tow.  He waited in the shady car (windows down of course) as we went in with absolutely no expectations or ideas as to what we might be asked. SW explained that in order for her to write up an accurate home study (showcasing all of our perfectness ;) individual interviews would help her get to know us more candidly. I went first and Dave hung out with Charlie in the car, rather than in the lobby, which was much appreciated by our little "prince" of a pup. It's probably a good thing that (A) dogs can't talk (at least not in English) and (B) Charlie wouldn't be interviewed. As far as he's concerned, our little family of three (he doesn't consider the cat to be a family member but rather some fur thing that hangs out in the house) doesn't need to grow or change!

The interview took longer than I thought, which I should have figured.   I was asked all kinds of things like what it was like growing up and my favorite childhood memories. That was a hard one because so many of them were great. I finally answered with all the camping trip adventures we went on and Christmas in Young's Island with the Smoaks.  I used to love listening to my grandfather read the Christmas story from the Bible and exchange white elephant gifts! We talked about Dave and our marriage. Of course these answers brought about laughter and tears (I swear I am as emotional as a pregnant woman). Answering questions like, how do we divide chores and who does what made me laugh because I was picturing how Dave would answer this same question. With that in mind I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, hoping he'd do the same for me when it was his turn!

SW asked if we talked about how we wanted to raise our children, discipline, and expectations. I answered by saying our child will be perfect, just like our marriage, and we won't have to have discipline. She didn't laugh as I was expecting since that was a ridiculous answer. After telling her I was totally kidding she smiled and told me I'd be surprised at how often people say that in all seriousness. I guess that shouldn't be shocking, but really??!!

As soon as Dave finished and joined Charlie and I in the car, we couldn't help but ask each other how we answered each question.  Of course some questions were slightly different from Dave's point of view verses mine.  Like how we handle an argument... men and women really are totally different species.  We laughed all the way over to my mom's beach house discussing everything.  I think SW probably has a good idea of who we are and what our values and priorities are.  I hope and pray she knows that we love God, each other, to laugh regularly, and not take ourselves too seriously!

We are getting so close to being officially on the "list" of adoptive families.  SW will come for the final home visit next Monday, July 2! Once she types up all the required documents and mails it in to the state department, our home study will just need to be approved.  As soon as it is approved, we will start to see recruitment emails as early as that very day.  Then the real wait begins.  Only God knows how long or short that will be until He introduces us to the precious baby He has specifically created just for us!

The Home Study Begins

The Home Study process is off and running as we had our first home visit with our social worker (whom I'll call SW) June 7 and an office visit scheduled for tomorrow June 21.  The home visit went great, lasted about an hour or so.  Not because we live in a grand mansion but because apparently D and I love talking about adoption and what has brought us here and SW has patient listening skills, bless her!  We just get so excited sharing how blessed we have been through this process.  God really can turn any situation, no matter how despair, into a blessing!  I don't think I would have believed that a year or so ago, which makes me so thankful that He is changing my heart each and every day.

The whole Heilman household (including Charlie and Spunky the cat) got ready for the visit.  We were told not to over analyze the visit, have the house professionally cleaned, or do anything out of the ordinary to prepare.  So I'm not sure if spending three days cleaning (after all I'm certainly not a professional cleaner) and having both animals (yes-even the cat) undergo military style hair cuts falls under the "out of the ordinary" category.  But I mean, come on, who's not going to do anything to prepare... right?  Some might say that I forced my sweet old cat through torture to be shaved, but I think she kind of likes it.  You be the judge...

Spunky after her hair cut/shave.... Seems okay to me ;)

Charlie after his cut... the "Prince" as he considers himself, is used to it! Notice his "throne" of blankets and pillows...we've created a monster!

After showing SW around the house, taking approximately 5 minuets, we took the rest of the time just talking on the couch.  I must say I'm a little disappointed she didn't get to see (or care about) how clean and organized our bedroom closet was (that took one of those three cleaning days I mentioned earlier)!  We scheduled the office visit for tomorrow and she told us about the adoption preference form she would send out a day later.  I've been thinking about the preference form a lot lately, even though we have already completed and returned it.  I guess with Father's day just passing and specific scripture jumping off the Bible pages in my devotion, it seems like God is talking directly to me.  I know that He does that, as it says He does in multiple scriptures, but when it is actually happening, it always feels unbelievable!  Today I read Psalms 139 and verses 13-16, which in summary talks about how custom and specifically made we each were.  It's hard to set parameters around the type of child we want and aspects we are comfortable with him or her having due to pre-natal care or lack there of and genetics.  But there is a reality to that and it's only natural to want your baby to be healthy, whether he or she is received through adoption or biologically.  Ultimately it is in God's hands, and it would be even if we were having a biological child.  

I know it's going to be hard when we start receiving recruitment emails about babies in need of an adoptive family that have a special circumstance.  I just don't know how I could go through this without faith.  Faith in the fact that God has a baby already chosen for us and that He will lead us to that birth mother and child in His perfect timing.  Faith that He will only give us what we can handle.  Faith that He will help us throughout the whole process.  Without that faith, I would be a complete and total mess right now!  I have absolutely no idea what our baby will look like, not only physically but emotionally and developmentally,  , but then again, would I really have a better idea of any of those things if we were pregnant? And if we were pregnant would we change any of those things had we known ahead of time if possible?  Of course that wouldn't be possible anyway, and I don't have to really answers those questions, thank God.  I do know that Dave and I have to have faith that it will all work out.

We are looking forward to our office visit and mini vacation there after with my mom and family.  Dave We will have separate interviews with SW and I really can't imagine what we will be asked but Dave and I have been pretty open to just about any question so we shall see.  And of course I'll keep you posted...

A Memorable Memorial Weekend...

Yes, I do realize that Memorial Day was a week ago and I'm just now getting to this post but a lot has happened in a week!  The nursery is coming along and the walls are just about done, thanks to Dave and Leo.  Our social worker called to schedule our first home visit, officially starting our "home study" process.  So between the "construction" in the nursery and the home visit scheduling, a week late isn't that bad!

After the late night of cutting, sanding, priming twice, re-sanding, and painting, the boards were finally ready to be hung.

Just about done; last step caulking all the edges!

After finding a weekend available for our good friend, Leo to use his handy construction skills and tools, he graciously offered to help us put up some wanes board, complete with picture rail.  I got this crazy idea from Pinterest (a highly addictive somewhat new social craze), and because it was "for the baby," Dave went along with it.  It all seemed so simple; a quick DIY, just paint and tack up some boards, right? Well... lets just say that our estimated time on this project was one Saturday afternoon, and a week later, we still aren't completely finished!  I should have known better, nothing is as simple as it seems. 

Dave's parents were in town and went with us to Lowe's Thursday night to help pick out some wood pieces.  Bob's woodworking expertise was not only helpful but essential at keeping Dave and I from strangling each other.  If you want to test your marriage out, try a "simple" DIY project!  It is crazy how easy home improvements can bring the worst out in you.  Thankfully, we got through the weekend without any major catastrophes, bumps, or bruises!  It wasn't easy, though.  We found that out as soon as the boys finished cutting the 2x4's and ripping them into three pieces.  Although 2x4's are cost efficient, they aren't exactly good quality, and unfortunately didn't pass quality control (aka, ME).  That meant a whole lot of extra, unexpected work and not finishing in one day (or one week for that matter).  Dave and I stayed up till 10PM working on smoothing out all 22 boards.  Keep in mind we started this project around 9AM and never really stopped.  But now that it's just about finished, it looks great and Dave and I are still happily married!

Meanwhile, I chose some fabric and agreed to do a little bartering with a friend of mine.  Wendi is extremely talented on a sewing machine and is going to try her luck with sewing some baby bedding, pillows, and curtains in exchange for some Sweet as Peas painted items.  I'm so excited she is willing to try this, I can't stand it.

The fabric I chose for Wendi to magically transform into crib bedding, curtains, and pillows.

I also found an old antique dresser that I plan to refinish and use as the changing table.  We started painting Dave's great grandmother's rocking chair for the room too. To go with it, I picked up the most perfect little ottoman from a thrift store, that just needs to be repainted and recovered. It's all coming together, and just in time for our first home visit.  The visit is scheduled for next Thursday, June 7 (there's that number again;).  Our social worker, assured us that it isn't a "white glove test" and not to be anxious about it.  She is just going to verify that we live where we say we do and make sure we don't own a thousand cats or have a meth lab in the back yard.  She will also talk with us a little bit to get to know us better and how we came to our decision to adopt.  Friends of ours who have been through the process recently, told us it took less than 20 minuets for them.  We are just glad to get the home study going.  The sooner it is approved, the sooner birth mom's can potentially choose us at their adoptive family.  I just got chills writing that.  

Ottoman for the rocking chair; best part was the price.  Fresh paint and new fabric, it'll look like new! 

Future changing table and rocking chair.  Not quite finished with chair and haven't started the dresser.

The nursery has been a welcome distraction from all the paperwork and waiting.  Next we will have the family book to focus on which will be another welcome distraction as I love scrap booking (even if it is a computer generated photo book rather than an old school actual scrap book).  It hasn't all been easy and we have experienced some set backs, like my car needing all kinds of random & outrageously priced repairs, forcing us to go into our "adoption savings." But God uses those set backs to remind us that He is more than capable of taking care of us.  We have experienced overwhelmingly generous kindness from unexpected resources, along with friends and of course family, offering to help.  Those offers came at such precise timing, there is no doubt it was God's will rather than coincidence.  It also wasn't a coincidence that my daily devotionals this week lead me to specific scripture that touched my heart...

Psalm 120:1 "in my distress, I cried to the Lord, and He heard me." 

John 14:14 As Jesus said, "If you ask anything in My name, I will do it."

God is so amazing and I can't believe it has taken me 30 years to finally start reading His word on a daily basis and open myself up to intimate relationship with Him.  Jesus has changed my life and I can't imagine it without Him!

Surprise...It's a Crib!

I was hoping to begin this post with the news of a home study scheduled, but it seems a little more waiting is in our near future before that can happen. The good news is that my physicians report finally made its way to our cozy little file In Bethany's Columbia office. That might not seem like big news but it means that our formal application is FINALLY complete...which allows us to take the next step...starting the home study.

 The home study begins in the order in which the applications are complete, and depends on how many families our coordinator is working with. Ours is wrapping up three other studies right now and needs to get at least two of those completed and approved before she can begin with us. Naturally it is pretty easy to blame my doctors office for this seemingly huge delay, but what good would that do? Its good to be reminded, "God is in control and everything is under control," including the perfect timing of baby Heilmans arrival. Feel free to remind me of that if my patience runs out by the end of the month. Thankfully, Dave seems to be the dependable slow and steady with unfazed patience and faith (wonder why he isn't like this with all the small things, like my inability to navigate or utilize time management :)!

 Our coordinator hopes to be able to start the home study process with us by the end of the month. In the mean time, we can distract ourselves with the way more fun task of designing the nursery! We have cleared out the room, organized all the mess hiding in the closet, and put together the crib.  I just love saying that so casually as if it's not a tiny symbol of a magnificent life changing undertaking that makes us so excited we can't stand it! The crib is one of the only things in the nursery at the moment and it makes me smile every time I glance in there from working in my studio. We can't thank my dad and Cheryl enough for surprising us with it. They even delivered it! Dad and Dave put it together, which is a hilarious story in itself. Let's just say after 30 min of starting, Dave was in lowes buying new screws because "the box had the wrong ones," which I'm sure is a common problem in manufacturing factories, right?! But needless to say after four attempts, the crib is up and ready to go, and with no major catastrophes . That made for a night full of always welcome, and much needed laughter. We are just plugging along, slowly working in the nursery and getting photos organized for the family book as we wait to start the next step. 

It might not look like much, but organizing that closet was  a huge undertaking; so I had to include it in the photo with our precious crib from Mimi & Papi!

God blesses and encourages us every day in different ways. I'm becoming a huge advocate of Craigslist and consignment as we build our adoption piggy bank. It's amazing how you can turn what's been hiding in your closet, garage, and attic into extra cash! Of course, that's all Gods doing, and we are so thankful!

Lucky Number Seven

We traveled on up interstate 26 last Thursday night to get a head start on Fridays training session starting at 8:45. How is it that we can be late whether we are 10 minutes away or 2 hours away? Of course Dave has an easy answer to that, and I'll give you a clue, it has to do with me! So we were the last couple to arrive at 8:50 (it could be worse). It was a small group of only 7 couples, a number that always seems to pop up in our lives, especially since our 7/7/07 wedding date. And not coincidentally, the birth mother who came as a guest speaker also mentioned that number's significance in her testimony.

 The day started out with a devotional scripture read by the state director. One of the reasons we chose Bethany was because of how Christ-centered they are. We continue to leave these meetings feeling reassured that we are with the right agency. There are a lot of ways to do things, including adoption, but for us, surrounding ourselves with God's word and guidance is the only way we can approach this journey. As the morning proceeded, we of course learned more about the adoption process, and as a friend forewarned, will include more paperwork; just when we thought we had that covered!

 After our formal application is complete (still waiting on the physicians report- mine surprisingly rather than Dave's, who was non existent before this process) we will start the home study with our coordinator. The study includes interviews with both of us at our house, more paperwork, some required reading, the profile book (kind of like a scrap book, which i've already started since that's kind of my thing:), expectant parent letter, website stuff, and rounded off with some more paperwork. We also learned more about the selection process and placement paperwork, which thankfully Bethany completely takes care of! And not to be put off, the ugly reality of finances, fees, and legal counsel was covered and broken down by a guest lawyer. The lawyer was a woman in Lexington who specializes in adoption law, who I immediately fell in love with, since she shared her personal experience of adopting her half hispanic little boy through Bethany as well.

 The day went on with explaining and being prepared for how adoption effects the birth family, adoptive family, and the adoptee. For me the most meaningful part was hearing from the birth mother of the "adoption triad." I think it is easy to consider our own feelings as the adoptive family, and even those of the adoptee, but it's a little harder to imagine what the birth family (most often mom) is feeling. Both Dave and I have grown so much, by the grace of God, when it comes to considering the Birth moms and families. It's easy to fall into the trap of believing societal norms and stereotypes placed on these women, but for the precious birth mother who selflessly chooses what's best for her child, overcoming those stereotypes takes tremendous courage. There is no doubt that God is working in our hearts to see and appreciate that courage the birth mom exemplifies. Hearing the testimony of the young lady who chose to place her child in adoption, made me emotional at the training and still does to think of her now. As I mentioned earlier, she noted the relevance of the number 7 in her story and how it connected her to the adoptive family she ended up choosing. I don't remember the exact connection surrounding it, but I clearly remember her saying that seven is God's number of completion.

 This stuck out to me, not because of the biblical evidence supporting that statement, but at how evident it was that God had a plan for that baby. He used that courageous young lady, and what could have been a disaster, to bring such joy to the adoptive family and ultimately to her.  Because everyone involved chose to be faithful, God blessed them in an extraordinarily unique way. It brings joyful tears to my eyes to know that God already has a baby planed for our family, from the eye color to the date of his or her arrival. I've already started praying for the mother who will carry this child even though I don't know her. Dave and I both are actually looking forward to meeting her, which is certainly a complete circle from our original fear of this meeting.

In another post, I mentioned that I don't believe in coincidences, and that belief always seems to be supported the more I notice God working in even the small things of life. Using the number 7 to catch my attention, give me reassurance, comfort, and just make me smile, might seem silly to some.  But I'm confident, it's just another way God is communicating with me.  After all if coincidences don't exist, God is the only other explanation.

After re-reading this in an attempt to "edit," I couldn't help but think of a Sienfield episode (which Dave and I watch pretty much every day while -yes usually he- cooks dinner).  Everyone can rest assured we won't be naming our child Seven, or Soda for that matter...

GEORGE: Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, ...

Making a list and checking it twice...

Today's devotional reading included Psalm 69:32... The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help be encouraged.

I felt God just touch my heart after reading that. It's my prayer that Dave and I will continue to humble ourselves with eyes wide open to witness God at work in our lives! I continue to be amazed that people (besides family, who is practically obligated;) are reading a simple girl's blog. One that is full of grammar & spelling errors (yes, I've been told), which is sad being that both of my parents are/were educators. I can't imagine my elementary school teachers having to break it to my dad & their boss, that I wasn't exactly the star student.  It's good to know your strengths and  I'm clearly NOT a writer, I just write how I talk and words just kinda tumble out.

 I've heard from so many of you, who have shared with family and friends, many who have not even met Dave and I, that our story (even through the grammatical errors) has touched you in some way. THAT is so clearly Gods doing and His work! I've been able to hear similar stories and amazing testimonies from all sorts of people, which is such a refreshing blessing. I appreciate every one of them and marvel at how God can use all of our stories, tragedies, experiences, and disappointments to comfort someone else at precisely the right moment! The support is just overwhelming and leaves Dave and I feeling so blessed and grateful!

 We are eagerly awaiting April 13, the training day in Columbia, and just finished preparing all the paperwork for the application...which was no easy task! It was, however, a welcome one because the feeling of checking off a "to do" list is gratifying, especially to a self-admitted impatient "list checker!" It makes me feel like we are getting somewhere. Even if it is finger print checks, pet vaccinations (that may have prompted an emergency dog training session, not required but may be volunteered on our part), family history, physicians report, personal testimony, photos (which you would think would be easy but somehow isn't). Oh and an affidavit of health insurance, income statement, sign this and that forms, family residence, record release forms, 3 page questionnaire, SLED criminal record inquiry, and last but not least, birth & marriage certificates. Could you imagine if everyone had to do this before having a baby? I'd venture to say we would have a very different society at the least.

And it's off... Our application mailed out today!

 All of the stories and testimonies have really given us strength to check off some of the more grueling steps of preparing for our application and training session. We know they will continue to comfort us when we start preparing for the  home visit & family profile . We feel assured that the process, and hurdles, will not only be worth it in the end but will help us prepare for future baby Heilman! At least I know the pet training will, Charlie is going to have to learn how to take a back seat.

Who's going to tell this guy he's being down graded to "a dog?"

Myrtle Beach Meeting

The more I read God's word, I realize that He has a sense of humor.  I suppose He has to, seeing as how patient He has to be with us all.... and me in particular.  Since we "started" this process, we really haven't "started" at all.  That's where my lack of patience must have God lovingly shaking His head as He reminds me over and over that His timing is perfect; and I need to RELAX!

I didn't really know what to expect from the Myrtle Beach information meeting, but surely they would get some "information" from us, right? I was wrong, they gave us a lot of information about Bethany.  It was helpful info and we did learn some new things.  We also were able to meet our coordinator face to face and have some questions answered.  Just when I thought, okay, we got all the information we need, we are doing this, lets just go already, new questions come up that I hadn't thought of before.  That's what I mean about God having a sense of humor.  Dave is so much more level headed about it all, He is constantly seeking to learn more and is cautiously treading through with a check list in hand.  Whereas I'm ready to start decorating the nursery!  I so much appreciate the balance between us and thank God for "teaming" us up.

I feel like we are climbing a pyramid of a thousand steps and we are only on step two.  Although I find myself wanting to find the elevator and just get to the top, Dave often reminds me that each step is necessary and purposeful.  It's amazing to see how God is working in his life as well.  Of course Dave is right, there is no elevator and we can't move forward skipping steps.  The attendance of this information meeting will allow us to go to the all day "training session" in Columbia April 13.  And then we can finally and officially get started!  My definition of getting started is when we are out there, forms and documents completed, where birth moms can look at our profile and potentially choose us.  The training session will help us with that (but I've been wrong before, so their might be some camouflage steps ahead). My prayer is that God gives me peace in knowing that His plan for us will unfold at the most perfect time, and that the journey is just as important as the ending.  After all, once we do hold the baby that God has created just for Dave and I, isn't the end at all but rather the beginning of a new journey.  I also pray that God continues to keep Dave level headed and rational as we continue.  I can't believe that I am admitting out in the open, where anyone can see and document, that Dave is the rational one.... I guess that shows you how clearly irrational I really am!